Friday, January 30, 2009

It is NOT acceptable

to call ME and put me on hold unless you are

1. saving someone's life
2. winning a million dollars on the other line- which if that is the case, you owe me a cut.

That is it. NO other excuse.

Monday, January 26, 2009


I did finally make some cookies yesterday and they were NOT awesome. Really soft-but super BLAND. Boooo. Don't use "The Test Kitchen's Big Chewy Cookie" recipe... unless you want to be sourly disappointed and stuck with big cookies that aren't even worth the calories.

Student/Teacher exchange

Over heard from the student sitting next to me and my 20th Century Art Teacher at exactly 1:11pm Room GT 216c UVU

Student: "so. for the tests, are we going to have to analyze the painting? Or what will it be like?"
Teacher: "It will be more along the lines of, 'Explain how this painting has Fauvism characteristics and German expressionism characteristics.'"
Student: "Ok. So it will be like, Explain how this painting has Fauvism characteristics and German Expressionism characteristics.
Teacher: Pauses, looks around...
Teacher: "Yes. The test will be like that."
Student: "Ok. cool" proceeds to write down exact repeated sentence.

This is the caliber of thinkers i am surrounded by in class ( i know there are smarties out there, they just don't happen to sit next to me).
Needless to say, it's a long hour and 15 minutes.

I was going to add, "i think there may be more than one question on the test..."
but i decided to keep this juicy bit of information to myself.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

All i want to do...

is make some cookies.
But the most tragic event ever to happen in my life (so far) took place last Saturday when i broke the cookie jar i had just received A DAY earlier as a gift (i know, butter fingers right? except i think my hands were dry at that point).
I haven't scrounged up the courage or strength it will take to make a batch- since i know i will just have to put my finished product in some regular container, which is so depressing it may cause me to have a breakdown.

In the mean time, i fill the void with pictures and useless references to cookies like this quiz: what kind of cookie are you?

In case you wondering I'm a

But this isn't even a kind i have ever wanted to eat or make- i don't think they exciting in the least. Except for the fortunes. They are pretty ok. But the actual taste of the cookie is a little lacking for me. Why was it even created? I mean, why make a cookie that doesn't taste fantastic? That is tragic in and of it's self.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What are you looking at? I hope not me.

I have a head set at work. Not only do i look something like a pop star who can't be tied down with an old school mic since that would hinder my oh so scandalous dance moves- but it's actually functional- not in the way that you'd image-I don't answer calls with it- i used to, but then we changed systems. regressed in technology and now i answer phones with an actual receiver- but i keep the head piece so i can my music though it and not disturb others... in theory.

I've had this song in my head for days. And i love it. It's awesome because i don't know all the words, so you hear me belt out the parts i know and then you hear something that sounds like a mix of drunk talk and animal whining," Duh duh duh Whheeen yo saaaaid doooo dooo..." and i get odd looks. I think (hope) mostly it's because i forget where i am. Not at some podunk karaoke joint, or safely in my car where i can make whatever sounds i want and not feel ashamed... but it's because i am at work. At the front desk. And simultaneously answering calls.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Guilty Pleasures

Eveyone has one --That show you love to watch when everyone thinks you're at the gym... the CD you only listen to when no one is home...

Maybe you like to read while using the toilet- Or weep shamelessly at those adopt-an-animal commercials.

One of my guilty pleasures is reading far fetched novels by my favorite author who always places her characters in impossible situations through which they somehow always manage to solve the crime, escape the murders and or fall in love.

I have a 40 minute break between my art history classes (which are in the same room, so i stay in my seat during the gap to ensure visibility of the board once class starts)- where i enjoy reading my books. Unfortunately, after class ends and my reading time begins, i am surrounded by stragglers who feel the need to get validation from the teacher and insist on opening their mouths and sputtering out typically useless sentences which frequently involve the word, "so."

For example, Student: "So, (dramatic pause, Look around to make sure all available yes are on them- continues) i am SO interested in the lifestyle of the Minoans, i think they are SO different and their art is SO... BLAH BLAH... SO... SO..." by now I've stopped eavesdropping (another guilty pleasure). These types tend to talk in circles, waste my life, and RARELY say anything remotely interesting or worth over hearing.

I'm torn.
I don't feel comfortable with my guilty pleasure novels coinciding with my school environment, but i can't listen to those incessant nasally suck ups- and I'm dying to know- Who killed Lindsay and stole Doug's stash? Is Heather walking into a trap, and will she ever tell Cooper how she really feels?

I plan to slowly and quietly pull out my book, never drawing attention to myself, then reading to my hearts content. Unfortunately for me, i don't know if i have ever done anything even remotely quiet and slowly... My book slips through my hands and lands on my desk cover face up.

The suck ups turn their eyes and meet this picture:

I half smile as my cheeks flush with embarrassment (i hope they don't notice) and freeze in fear.
What do i do next?
I've been found out!
These brown nosers (and my teacher) know I don't always read "classics" or memorize my text book in my spare time- like i'm sure they do.

I wait for the snicking, finger pointing and persecution that is sure to ensue.

With my deep insecurities unknown, they turn back to their captivating conversation-not giving me or my book another glance.

Phew, that was a close one.
I finish putting my binder in my backpack. My cheeks hold their pink tint, but i bury my head in my book and quickly forget anyone is even in the room.

Once all human life is gone (aside from me of course) i quietly reflect on what happend and decide i am officially insane to feel ashamed of my recreational reading.

Now read whatever i want... but don't flash the covers around.

So that's it- There is no shame anymore. Don't be afraid to take out that Hanson Album, or watch those reality shows, or do whatever it is you are embarrassed about- chances are, people won't even notice anyways.

Just don't turn the volume up too loud.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Every time i get sick

i tell myself i will never forget how great it feels once i'm well again.
Of course time passes (sometimes no more than a week or two) ... and my short lived goal dies as i feel my body just might give up as well.
Having a sour throat is terribly uncomfortable, and not only that- but it hinders my cheeto puffs consumption- which is known to lift any particularly bad mood i may be in.

i think the worst physical feelings in the world are:

1. Being badly sun burned
2. Having that "i -have-to-go-to-the-bathroom-constantly" feeling
3. Having to sneeze, but it won't come out
4. An itch when you can't reach
5. Recovering from a surgery
6. A popcorn kernel stuck in one of two back teeth-where it is almost impossible to reach stubby fingers.
7. Suppressing a cough
8. A hang nail
9. A spec of dust in your eyes with hard contacts
10. Trying not to throw up
11. Having a sore throat

Did i miss any?

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Now that I'm A Pro (*cough* yeah right)

I will let you in on a few secrets.

If you are getting married, close to…. Engaged, dating, stalking, or dreaming and intending on it one d
ay- I have put together a few guidelines for you... and they go a little something like this:

Ignore ev
eryone’s advice (except for the person who is writing what you are now reading- but including any self-help-newlywed-books-for-couples-to-read-together that people will re gift to you [no doubt some with previous inscriptions in them] as a wedding present because they are too cheap to buy you a something you'll use and or too lazy/not awesome to be honest and write the ultimate marriage guide-which of course you now are reading)

People will constantly share their opinions and preferences about what they think you need to have the “perfect” day, from the type of favor or bubbles to blow- to old wives’ tales of what “has” to happen or “has” to be worn. I have made up a simple quiz to help sift through what is actually important and what is an added perk- which is, of course, entirely made up from my own opinions and preferences- but they are correct.

Just kidding

Wedding True or False
To have the perfect wedding you need:

1. Something old, Something new, Something borrowed, Something blue

2. A sideshow of the two of you through the years, set to Green Day's "Time Of Your Life"( or some popular country love song)and ending with the couple's baby photos side by side-

3. Smearing of the cake on the groom's face
FALSE- you really can just eat it like people.

4. The Singles table
FALSE- we can all sit together. We are all friends.

5. The clinking of glasses to initiate a kiss
FALSE- and i'm pretty sure you can kiss whenever you want.

6. Tell yourself and listen when people say over and over “This is your day”
FALSE- This is a shared occasion. I know some girls dream about it for years, but I'm pretty sure there is at least one other significant person involved... like the person you are marrying. And your families... and your friends.

7. Think marriage is the key to a person's happiness, or will finally "complete" you.
FALSE- I'm not saying it's not fun, but marriage sure isn't the quick fix for anything.

8. Be comfortable

9. Have fun

Like each other

Eat good food

There you have it.

You only need 4 things to have the perfect wedding.

Everything else is up for grabs.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I think i could graduate in... 39 credits.

That isn't too bad right? But I'm pretty sure it's going to take me at least 3 years.
Why? Because:
1. I'm lazy
2. It's too cold outside to take more than two classes.
3. I don't see anything i want to register for- well that wasn't at some insane hour.
4. I need to adjust to married life.... right? i mean because it's SO different than dating. NOT. If you want to hear my thoughts about that- ask me later.
5. I dream of owning or running a cookie shop, and that somewhat conflicts with a school schedule.
6. I'm still holding onto the hope that i can turn one of my hobbies or past school endeavors into something that will make money-therefore, no more school needed.
7. It's fairly expensive- and i could be saving that money for the cookie shop- or design consulting services.
8. It's takes away from blogging, which is obviously awesome.
9. I'm holding out for them to get an Interior Design or Art history program, so i can finish what i started or work at a museum where, in theory, it is quiet.
10. I need to catch up on some much needed hygiene= hair cut, dentist. etc.
11. But mostly i think I'm lazy.

Friday, January 2, 2009

"Happy" New Year

As the new year begins it's said to be the time of reflection - the time for writing down goals and "reachable" aspirations. The time to dedicate yourself to perhaps actually change a bad habit or two.
For example- stop being forgetful, stop being so clumsy (pay attention to what I'm doing). Or there is always the staple: finally start to jog even though it's 30 below outside.

I woke up feeling like i could perhaps be a better, classier, more "put-together" version of myself. Maybe.

Then i went to work (was the only one there) and did the following:
sat in the dark
took down the Christmas decorations
realized i forgot my breakfast
found a random strawberries and cream oatmeal packet i must not have used another morning
got exited- fixed it
spilled it all over the break room floor and water dispenser (i'm still not sure exactly how this happened... ghosts? magic?)
cleaned it up because i am not like other sickos who enjoy leaving their messes for others (a.k.a ME) to later gag on and inevitably clean up.
found ANOTHER (yay! can you believe it?) spare oatmeal packet labeled "original" flavor.
cooked it.
took a bite.
Then another.
Decided "original" flavor is actually the sickest thing on the planet- as far as instant oatmeal breakfast packets go.
felt no human should ever have to suffer through that, and contemplated who would actually choose to buy such rancid food.
throw bowl away.
sat saddened at desk...
got over it and ate a granola bar.

I guess this won't as easy as i thought.